It’s Official: I’m Depressed
Filed under Personal
According to the doctor I saw this morning, this is a diagnosis that has come at least six years too late. Knowing what I know, I have probably been suffering from it for almost (maybe more) half my life.
Scary.
The diagnosis of clinical depression is not a surprising one as such - I have been through periods where I could not even bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. It was a good day if I actually managed to get to class in clothes that I did not wear the day before, and had slept in. It was a great day if I wore clean clothes. An excellent day if I wore clean clothes and had had a shower. Pity the psychiatrist did not agree with everyone else - she refused to even say whether or not I had depression (leaving me in a state of limbo, essentially), saying that I would let a diagnosis take over my personality.
So it was a bit of a surprise when I was finally diagnosed, as apart from recent episodes I’d been rather fine. A bit dozy, a little bit weepy (especially over the news regarding Heath) but I was functional. Well, semi-functional. My brain sort of stopped working beyond a certain point. It’s taken me half an hour of knuckling down to get to this point and even now I am nodding off at my desk. Not quite at the point where face + keyboard = OTP, but soon. Soon.
It’s only 3.30pm.
Although it is a relief that I finally have a solid answer (which I always have needed before I fix anything) and there is finally a solution in sight, I have to admit that I am more than a little worried.
It’s now 3.50pm and all I wrote in the past 20 minutes was that paragraph. Oh, wait. That’s a sentence. That’s basically my level of functioning. Sometimes I have good moments where I can read a chapter of a book. Other times I can barely finish one page of a three-page short story. In the past few weeks I have suffered from mental blocks - I will be in the middle of a sentence, and when I reach for a word… nothing. Just a big white wall in my brain, preventing me from even finding a somewhat similar word no matter how wrong it may be. My tongue stops working, too, so I just sit there waving my hands why mentally ramming myself against the White Wall of DoomTM.
Tomorrow is when I can start my round of pills, although the sleeping pills start tonight. Until then I am merely one of many people who have suffered from, or are suffering from, depression.
And as everyone tells me, I am not alone. Not alone.
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As someone who suffered from clinical depression for twelve years, you’re definitely not alone.
If you ever need someone to talk to who will understand things most would think are incredibly stupid, I’ll gladly volunteer my time.
I’m not in the habit of giving out my MSN address publicly, but if you have MSN and like to add me, send me an e-mail letting me know and I’ll shoot my MSN address your way.
Good luck!
At least you are able to get help now. And I really commend you for being able to *ask* for help. Because I couldn’t. I’ve tried, and I can’t, and it’s just a vicious circle. So… I’m excited for you! And I wish you all the best!
*squishy hug*
If you ever need to talk - I’m here too. Been there, done that, came out breathing.
I’m sure you’re not alone
There are many people who have depression too. I kinda think I’m a bit into depression myself, since it does happen, but then I somehow manage to pull myself back together. IDK why though 
This is coming a bit late, but I’m glad you were able to find a diagnosis and move forward in helping yourself. Don’t feel as though you are suffering alone. Everyone sinks into depression from time to time although I’m sure you don’t need telling twice.
Drop me a line through my contact form if you want to chat!